Still Around

In a kind of weird holding pattern. I broke down and ordered materials from a private adoption agency just so that I can look at our options. Ok, I admit I was giving up. Two says that adoption is great and that we should adopt, but that she doesn’t want me to quit just yet. It hasn’t even been a year yet. We did agree that we wouldn’t worry until we had hit the one year mark and we are still 3 or so months away from that. It’s just that I am getting older and am not quite sure how to proceed. I don’t do failure well. We saw a therapist at the beginning of our journey and she warned us that people who fall in my demographic (professionally and educationally) really don’t deal too well with infertility because we are used to succeeding. I dismissed her as being a nutcase…until now. Maybe she was right. I really haven’t ever failed at much and have gotten just about everything that I have worked for. This is a new thing for me. Not only am I not successful, but I am beginning to really hate those who are. I need to just move past this and move on, either to more attempts or adoption.

Just my rant for the day.

I Swore I’d Never Be “That” Woman

I think that I have finally come to that point in my struggle with infertility and TCC that I would never come to.

Last week yet another friend had a baby. Yes, that is 3 births for people close to me since Two and I started TTC. I realized today as I tried to dodge the phone that Two  was trying to hand me to say congrats that I hate this woman. I hate her for being my age and getting knocked up by mistake during a glorified one night stand. I hate her for never wanting children, but not having the guts to abort when she found out that she was pregnant, and I hate her for saying to me today that she has never been the “maternal type”. The worst part of all? Coming to the realization that I hate myself, not for hating her, but for not being able to have my own child.