Good News, Bad News (An Update)

Which one do you want first? I generally like to hear the good news first as long as the bad news is not so bad that it will overshadow it.

The good news? My cycle timing is not as wonky as I worried yesterday.

The bad news? What I thought was the beginning of my period was actually weird spotting that stopped last night. I am still wondering if the real thing is on it’s way because I am still feeling a bit crampy. This is something that never happens to me. I am wondering if it is stress.

On another positive note, twooftwo is getting more and more excited everyday and her excitement is helping quell my fears/anxieties. I woke up this morning and she had spent a good part of the early morning hours looking for nursery furniture. I have thought a lot about decorations and on board baby beds for our bed, but not about actual nursery furniture. I am just happy that I have gotten her to agree to Classic Pooh for the nursery theme! I was at Lowe’s a few months ago and saw the perfect Pooh door for the nursery.

Oh well, off to take some aspirin for the cramps and ask twooftwo if she wants to go to the movies tonight.

Be Careful What You Wish For!

Just yesterday I commented on Brooke’s post about waiting for my period and lo and behold it came tonight…a week early! It’s too late for me to call Dr. McDreamy’s office and schedule my HSG so I’ll have to call first thing in the morning to see if they can squeeze me in on Thursday of next week since I have to do the test between CD7 and CD10. Starting my period almost a week early is kind of scary and worries me, but I am going to blame it on the stress.

This means that I also have to start the Letrozole tomorrow. There is something scary about taking breast cancer drugs, but I keep telling myself that it will be alright. So far we have our donor list narrowed down to 3. twooftwo doesn’t know if she wants my first choice because his profile has him listed as drinking 5 drinks a week (and she thinks that we should multiply the drink answer times 4…strange I know). We were really bugged by the guy who was a pretty good choice, but claimed 10 drinks a week. She worries about genetics and addiction and it’s understandable.

With this new (early) development we’re going to be forced to choose from what we have on the short list or go back to the full donor lists. It seems that we can keep doing this dance forever and I wanna get moving!

Off to satisfy my craving for fat free hot dogs with chili & hot sauce and baked fries!!

On Smacking Women in the Supermarket!

Things are kind of quiet around here as we continue to look at donors and try to narrow it down and order long profiles (my goal is to get that done this week) and wait for the new cycle to start. I hate waiting!

While we were shopping this weekend we ran into a woman with 4 very cute kids at the local warehouse store and later at the local superstore. This was a blended family. African American woman, Caucasian daughter, African American older son and daughter, and mixed race youngest son he was about 3 (this is the surface reading…we all know that with genetics this could be a misread). The kids were well mannered and helpful in the store and the  youngest child decided to strike up a conversation. twoftwo thought that the mass of curly hair was endearing I thought that it needed to be cut or braided…we had the child/hair discussion again

We saw the woman about an hour later and struck up a conversation about her kids at the superstore because they were still being polite and well behaved after shoppping for so long. She made a joke about the little one’s hair and twooftwo told her about the conversation that we had at the warehouse store. The woman laughed and said that she usually keeps his hair braided. At this point the eldest boy (who was seemingly not of mixed race) said “I think that he needs a haircut”. This was not said in a disrespectful or snippy way…just a kid comment. At this point the woman’s disposition totally changed. She turned to the older boy and snapped at him “You’re just made because you don’t have good hair!”.

At this point I wanted to knock the woman right in the mouth! I said goodbye to the children and walked away. I left twooftwo there to talk to Idiot Woman by herself. She beat a hasty retreat and we couldn’t decide what was worse…this woman making her older child think that he wasn’t as “good” as the younger child because he wasn’t of mixed race and/or had kinkier hair or that she was favoring the child of her current relationship over the child of a past relationship. Absolutely infuriating!

The short of it is that I didn’t actually smack the woman in the supermarket, but someone should have. I worry about the way people treat children and how they might treat any children that I might have and/or one day. There is a good chance that these children will not have the same biological makeup and that they may be different. Maybe we should just become hermits!!

Dr. McDreamy called this morning

FS will from this point on be called Dr. McDreamy. After we left our appointment yesterday twooftwo talked about how she was sure that Dr.McD was getting plenty. He's an attractive middle aged man who doesn't appear to be married and has a good sense of humor. He also owns a fertility clinic in a major medical complex. I can just just see him driving a shiny, red sports car. It's just good to know that I'll be making some major payments on it for him (yes, that is sarcasm).

Well McDreamy called this morning at 8 (very chipper he was and I am not a morning person) to tell me that the Toprol XL that I am taking to prevent migraines and keep my blood pressure under control in a category C pregnancy drug and that I need to talk to my doctor about switching me to something else. I told him that the doctor recommended it knowing that I was TTC, he said okay and that was that. I hung up and thought about it…what the hell was a I thinking???? I know more about medicine than most of the doctors in this 2 horse town (I have taught more than one of them about things like migraine treatment and anhidrosis…which one doctor had never heard of) so I decided that Dr. McD might be the one to make the right call here. I called Dr. Small Town's nurse and told her what Dr. McD said and "suggested" (strongly) that they call Dr. McD and find out what he would like to have me on instead. She's going to call me back this afternoon

There is concern in my house about my bitchy factor and what pregnancy hormones will do to it, but that's a post for another day! 

First Visit is Done and Boy Am I Sore!

My first visit to the FS is done. This doctor was good. He recognized that a lot of what he was saying to us we were already aware of. I really appreciated the fact that he didn't constantly mention my age and insinuate that any issues that I might have with infertility (and there are none yet) might be my fault for waiting so late in the game to have children. The only time that he actually mentioned my age was to suggest that I have a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to check out my fallopian tubes and to give me any additional benefits that might be possible (a slight increase in the chance of conception).

Thanks to my wonderful employer most of this process is not covered by my HMO, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that today's consultation and ultrasound were covered. The next thing will be to find out if the HSG is also going to be covered. Can I just say that the ultrasound was unpleasant to say the least. The good news is that the doctor said that the uterus and fallopian tubes look good. The probe that the doctor used would probably have been a bit less painful for someone used to heterosexual type sex (and some other folks as well). I spent the rest of the afternoon having cramps and hating the doctor.

That being said, the doctor wants to get the ball rolling with this cycle with the HSG and a round of Letrozole. The doctor seemed really pleased with himself when he realized that he had happened upon something that I didn't know about. While he said that he wasn't concerned about my ovulation and fertile period based on my basal body temperature chart he did want to lengthen the fertile time a bit. That's where the letrozole comes in. Do you know this drug? It is a drug used for breast cancer patients to suppress estrogen production. The idea is that I take it for 5 days to shut down production and then stop and the estrogen and FSH production kicks into high gear and will hopefully lead to conception. We decided that we'd go with "more aggressive" methods, if we need to, after 2 or 3 months of this. (I bet that those of you reading this blog probably don't need links to these acronyms, you probably already know them well).

On conception, 20f2 (I have got to come up with a consistent nickname for my partner) and I have checked out a number of sperm banks and their listings (CA cryobank, NECC, and ) but now we are going to have to make a first through third choice and purchase. This is not going to be an easy feat we finally have to get our priorities straight. I wonder how other people actually make these decisions! We've been contemplating this process and scanning donors for 2 years+ now, why the hell is this such a difficult decision? It's so strange and final. I know that it's just jitters, but…damn!

One thing that I am not digging? I have to go through a counseling session with the clinic's folks. Did I mention that this is a faith based hospital system? All of the hospitals within a 150 miles of my hometown are faith based. This new doctor is about 100 miles from home for me, but he's actually the closest fertility specialist. Gotta love small town life. I was raised in a religious family and I am spiritual in my own way, but having someone else's idea of Christianity forced upon me is EXTREMELY problematic. I am hoping that I am overreacting and that it won't be as bad as I think it will be. We have to complete this counseling before we can do the insemination. I joked with the doctor about having to convince them that I am not insane, he laughed and said or convince that I am but not too insane. Geez, wish me luck.

After the appointment we treated ourselves to lunch (fast food which we rarely have) and a margarita at Chipotle (something else that we don't have in our 2 horse town). Lunch and shopping rounded out our day and we spent some time looking through every damned baby store at the mall! Is that bad luck? Do people believe in jinxes anymore?

Wired!

I took an Ambien to help me sleep last night because I'm nervous about our appointment today. I slept all of about 4 hours. The appointment is about 7 hours from now and an hour's drive. M2 is still sleeping and I'm wondering if I should go and try to curl up next to her for a few minutes (or hours). That actually sounds like a good idea. I'll post again when I get home!

Welcome to Our World

Much better than "first post" don't you think? Let me tell you a bit about me and this blog. I am an avid blogger (under a different persona), feminist, scholar, lesbian, and all around kick ass person. I have decided to blog under a psaudonym to protect my privacy and yet share my experiences with other women like us (M2 and me). 

We are both 30-something women who have been in a committed relationship for over 10 years and have decided that we are ready emotionally, financially, and professionally to start a family. We realize that it is late in the game, but we always wanted to wait until we could give our children all of the things that we wanted them to have before we crossed that bridge. 

Our goal is to have 1 or 2 biological children of our own and then to adopt one from the US. We have lots of love to give and we think that sharing our love with a child who is currently in the system is the way that we want to go. That is if we are still allowed to adopt by that point considering our current political system.

For the past year or so I have been working to make sure that I am healthy enough to carry a healthy prenancy (taking prenatal vitamins to avoid spina bifida, getting my blood pressure under control (a new development not unconnected to my past job stress), getting my body strong (also no unrelated to my job) because sitting on your ass all day does not make for a buff body, and making a home for me and M2 that is ready for B1 (2 and 3).

I can also say that I am not your typical mommy type, but you'll learn more about that as the weeks and months go one…I have to keep you coming back, right?

Next week we go to a new fertility specialist (I hated the last one) to start the show. I have spent the last month filling out the mountain of paperwork that they sent me and tracking my basal body temperature. Now I get to drive 100 miles and see what the dude says (yes, that is our closest FS) and start the dwindling of our lifesavings because our medical insurance does not cover fertility treatments of any kind. They took that away at the same time that they added domestic partner benefits (no small coincidence I'm sure). Some folks might say that I am a bit of a conspiracy theorist, but I say that I'm more of a realist.

I am anxious and scared about this first appointment. Will FS say, hell no you're too old? Will my medically controlled hypertension come into play? Will he find something amiss that my local GYN has not in previous appointments? Will my waiting for a stable career and life come back to bite me in the ass? I guess we have to wait to find out. Wish me luck and expect to hear lots of pissing and whining in the months and years (?) to come!